I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
