I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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