now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
