was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
