I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
