i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
