When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
