Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
