so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
