I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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