i jhust puked up my retainher.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
