ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
