He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Couch. On fire.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
