Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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