I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
