I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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