i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
