I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
