Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
