What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
