Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
