You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
