Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
