I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This is the high leading the old right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
