got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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