his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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