I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
