I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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