Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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