Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
