All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The power of my boobs compel you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
