this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
