So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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