If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
