Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
