the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
