I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
