just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
we're so committed to being not committed
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
