Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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