I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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