I hate all girls vehemently.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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