I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Randomize
