We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
