What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
