did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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