I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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