i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
