We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
