You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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