I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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