matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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