Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
