i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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